I was putting the finishing touches on the night’s dinner when I asked my son to set the table. His response was quick and to the point.

“No. I don’t want to.” And he walked through the kitchen and headed upstairs.

I was about to go after him, grab him by the shoulders, and march him back to the kitchen, lecture and consequences forthcoming, when my other son entered the scene, stage left.

“I’d be happy to set the table for you, Mom.”

Instant dilemma. “Should I deal with the one who is being obnoxious in his disobedience?  Or should I deal with the one who is being obnoxious in his obedience?” Fairly confident that I was going to have at least three more opportunities to deal with the former before bedtime, I decided to deal with the latter, given that I didn’t have the energy to deal with both.

I captured my obedient son’s gaze with my own and held it. And then I asked, “Do you really want to help me? Or do you just want to make your brother look bad?”

He shifted on his feet, eyes locked onto mine. He knew I was looking right through to his heart and I could see the wheels turning as he pieced together his answer. Then, with a wry smile he said, “I really want to help you, Mom. Making my brother look bad is just an added bonus.”

There it was. But I knew in my mother’s heart, it was probably a twisted truth. A more accurate statement probably would have been, “I really want to make my brother look bad. Helping you out in the process is just an added bonus.” That, I’m afraid, was really the heart of the matter.

Still with my eyes locked onto his, I said, “I will accept your offer to set the table. But you’re not getting any points for this.” He took his wry smile with him as he opened the silverware drawer, knowing that I had called his bluff but still unwilling to show his whole hand.

My immediate reaction was to give a lecture on how “motivation matters.” And I thought I was going to write a piece based on 1 Samuel 16:7:

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

But I know when I’m feeling led to write something and I know when I’m not. And I wasn’t. Something in me said, “That’s the easy answer; the obvious verse to use. It’s not the whole story.” That was a year ago. I’m only feeling led to write about it now.

The moment in the kitchen resonated with me so strongly because I was so familiar with it. Thirtyish years ago, that was my brother and me. I was always working to make my little brother look bad. So when I saw it in my son, I knew what it was all about. For me, it wasn’t setting the table. It was mowing the lawn. I knew that my brother didn’t like mowing the lawn. So I made sure I was always available to do it. And I knew that when he did mow the lawn, he didn’t take care to do a good job around the edges. So I made sure to be meticulous around the edges, always striving to be the better, more favored child.

I really was a doll.

Over the past year, I’ve watched a similar dynamic spring up in my children. As little guys, they didn’t fight much. Rivalry wasn’t a huge problem. But as they approach the teen years, that’s beginning to change. I’ve seen more fighting, more jockeying for position in the family, more competing…for my love.

One day, a light bulb went off for me. They do not understand the nature of a mother’s love.

Before I had two children, I didn’t fully understand it, either. I’d look into the face of my firstborn, while expecting my second, and worry, “What if I don’t think the second one is as cute? As precious? As wonderful? What if I don’t love him as much? What if…?”

And then the second one arrived and I discovered what mothers have known for centuries. With each child that comes, a mother’s heart expands exponentially in response. My love is not a scarce resource. My children have been competing over what they view as a scarce resource. They do not understand that in lavishing my love on one of them I in no way reduce the amount I have left to lavish on the other. It’s not like a plate of cookies, where giving away to one takes from what I can potentially give to the other.

And then it hit me. This is a lesson that God has been trying to get through to me about him and his love. I was starting to see it in verses where I’d never seen it before – verses about pride (James 4:6) and haughtiness (Proverbs 6:16-19) and judging others (Luke 6:37).

I started reading those verses through a different lens. I’m not to be proud, haughty, or judgmental because those qualities obviously destroy relationships and drive people apart. But I’m also not to be proud, haughty, or judgmental because those qualities are evidence of insecurity, which leads to the need to jockey for position, as if I’m trying to steal favor from a God whose love is a limited resource – as if his bestowing his love and favor on someone else might take away from what he might have left to give to me.

There it was.  A fundamental lack of understanding of who God is and/or a failure to trust that he is who he says he is and that he loves the way he says he loves:

1 John 4:8. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. (NIV)

Jeremiah 31:3. The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.” (NIV)

Psalm 36:5. Your love, Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies. (Read all of Psalm 36 here.) (NIV)

Psalm 103:8. The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love… (NIV)

Psalm 103:11. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him… (NIV)

Psalm 103:17. But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord’s love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children’s children… (Read all of Psalm 103 here.) (NIV)

So I’ve changed my tack with my children.  I still teach them that kindness is key. It’s key to relationships – both inside and outside of our family. I teach them that it’s expected. I teach them that I won’t tolerate them being unkind to anyone, putting others down in order to seemingly “lift themselves up.” I teach them that I won’t tolerate all the “jockeying for position” that causes so much hurt and so much strife.

But in addition to that, beyond that, perhaps even more than that, I am teaching them about love. My love for them. God’s love for me. God’s love for them. All of this other nonsense is not only unwarranted, it’s unnecessary. Because when it comes to the love they receive from me and their dad and infinitely more so from their heavenly father, there is no limit to the resource – love abounding, love unfailing, love everlasting, love as high as the heavens. There’s more than enough to go around, and then some. No jockeying required.

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. (Ephesians 3:17b-19, NIV)